From Hurt to Healing: Rebuilding Yourself After Being Cheated On

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In this installment from my ‘Ask Me Anything’ series, which you can find on my social media channels, I delve into the topic of rebuilding yourself after infidelity.

“What are your best tips for finding yourself after being cheated on and being caught up in a trauma bond. Mainly just helping find my self-worth and value again and how to not choose the same type again.”

No one leaves a happy marriage, so congratulations on starting your journey toward a healthier and happier life! I know how difficult these life changes can be at first, but with the right mindset, you’ll be infinitely better off by going down this path. Remember, being cheated on is never a reflection of your worth. It says more about the other person’s issues than it ever could about you.

Just by recognizing that you’re in a trauma bond, you’ve taken a significant first step. So, what exactly is a trauma bond? It’s a psychological connection that forms between an abuser and the abused, where a cycle of pain and intermittent rewards keeps you emotionally hooked.

This bond can make you dependent on the person causing you harm, despite the ongoing pain. It creates a strong attachment, making it incredibly challenging to leave. Often, it’s a reenactment of our unresolved childhood wounds. I’ve experienced this myself in my first marriage—it was one big ass trauma bond, so I truly understand what you’re going through.

Realizing that this isn’t love, but a trauma bond, is key to breaking free. When you start to recognize the pattern, you’re less likely to fall into it again. Trust your judgment here. If you think you’ll always end up with partners who keep you in these unhealthy cycles, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. By acknowledging the signs, you can make healthier choices for your future relationships.

Take this chance to really get to know yourself. Dive into learning about your core beliefs, how you attach to others, your shadows, and what you absolutely won’t compromise on.

Core Beliefs: Reflect on what drives your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Identify the values and principles that shape your life and how they have influenced your past relationships. Understanding your core beliefs will reveal how they affect your interactions and decisions, offering you insight into your patterns and choices.

Attachment Style: Explore your attachment style to understand how you form and maintain relationships. Are you secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized in your attachments? Knowing your attachment style can provide insights into your relationship patterns and guide you toward healthier connections. Secure attachment fosters healthy relationships, while insecure attachment styles can lead to dysfunctional dynamics. I’ve written extensively on attachment styles and moving to a more secure base too (feel free to search my blog for more).

Shadows: Identifying your shadows involves acknowledging the parts of yourself that you might have repressed or denied, such as traits, emotions, or experiences that you find uncomfortable or unacceptable. These aspects, though hidden or often projected externally, are crucial to your self-awareness —> relationship satisfaction. This process helps you understand the full spectrum of your personality, fostering a more genuine and balanced life. “Dark Side of The Light Chasers” is the OG on this concept that’s easily accessible to those who haven’t and don’t want to spend their lifetime studying these concepts.

Nonnegotiable Boundaries: Defining your non-negotiable boundaries is essential for protecting your well-being. Know what you need to feel safe, respected, and valued in relationships, and be firm in maintaining these standards. Clear limits help you establish and sustain healthy connections, ensuring your needs are met. It’s better to lead with these principles rather than trying to introduce them in an established relationship. Now that you know yourself better, you’re in a stronger position to create less codependent dynamics in your next relationship.

The more you discover about yourself, the more authentically you can show up for others and ensure that they show up authentically for you. This journey of self-awareness and growth will not only improve your relationships but also enhance your overall quality of life. There is only winning when you dive in here.

Hope that helps!

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